


Impasse

by AkaneRei



Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29268126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneRei/pseuds/AkaneRei
Summary: Jean realizes that the passage of time does nothing when it comes to his feelings for Mikasa.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149374
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	1. Stalled

He was so goddamn pathetic. 

Some fucking commanding officer he was. He couldn't even command his own tongue to work properly.

Seven years. Seven years and he's still in the same position as he was back when he first met her. It would be funny if it weren't for the fact that it was his own pathetic life that seemed to have stalled when it came to this. When it came to her.

_“Congratulations, Jean,” she had said.”You deserve it.”_

There was genuine sincerity in her words. An acknowledgement of his accomplishments over the past years while working with her in the same team. All he had to do was respond the same way he had done to all the rest of his squad who'd given similar sentiments. Hell, a brief nod would have sufficed. Maybe some of that bravado that he's known for. Anything at all but what he actually said.

Instead, he'd stared at her newly coiffed and very short hair and said the first thing that came to his head...because the gods hated him. He was Jean Kirstein and she was Mikasa Ackerman, after all.

“Your h-h-hair,” he'd stuttered, a sense of deja vu overcoming him as his eyes trailed the ends that curved around her face. _What the hell happened to it,_ he'd thought. But he kept that part to himself, _Thank fucking Sina for small favors._ “It's beautiful,” he finished lamely, because even after all these years and no matter what the length, it was still the truth. He'd never seen anything close to it. 

Connie snickered next to him while Sasha gave him a knowing grin. Eren rolled his eyes before standing up to leave. Jean would swear that even Captain Levi gave an exasperated snort. Only Armin had thrown him an almost pitying look and Jean mentally kicked himself in the ass.

 _She_ had given him a sidelong glance and a quick “Thank you,” before following Eren out of the mess hall. He can't even blame her for what seemed like a clumsy attempt to escape his presence. 

_Thank you._

As if they were back to being twelve. The sense of history repeating itself was strong.

He groaned and slowly began to carefully beat his head against the table in front of him.

“Oi,” Captain Levi called out from the head of the table. “What are you still doing here? Don't you have a squad to get to know?”

“Give him a minute, Captain,” Connie mouthed in mock sympathy.

Jean winced.

There would be days, weeks and months even, when he could converse with Mikasa Ackerman like any other soldier. Talk coherently to her and even berate her for her blind loyalty to one Eren Yeager. But every so often, he'd notice something new about her _(like how her eyes gleamed with pride for him after hearing about his promotion)_ and all his rational thought seemingly goes to hell and he's left floundering not to sound like a complete idiot.

“Tsk,” his Captain muttered under his breath. Soon to be his former captain, that is. “Get a move on, Kirstein,” he ordered. 

He turned his head to stare at Humanity's Strongest Soldier and wondered whether Captain Levi was referring to his lack of progress towards meeting his new squad or Mikasa.

Not that it mattered.

Either way, he wasn't sure which one he was the least prepared for or more ill equipped to deal with. 

Looking up at the space where he last saw her retreating back, he shook his head. 

Who was he kidding? 

He'd rather tackle on his new mantle of leadership any day than figure out what to do with Mikasa.

“Just when I thought you were over this,” Connie’s voice drifted to him and he felt his comrade’s arm swing around his shoulder in commiseration, “you open your mouth and prove me wrong.”

Jean gave him a fulminating glare.

“I think it's sweet,” claimed Sasha, shoving Connie out of the way and sliding next to Jean. “ Hopeless,” she said, almost apologetically, “but sweet.”

He groaned in frustration and got up. He didn't have to listen to this. He had a squad to sort out and the day wasn't getting any younger. In a few hours, everyone would forget about his momentary gaffe and all will be back to as it were. He took a deep breath.

“Jean--” Armin started.

He held up his hand and made the move to leave the table. He didn't need Mikasa's friend telling him how hopeless he was. He fucking knew how hopeless he was. Mikasa was never going to see him that way. Care for him the way he wanted her to. Look at him with even half as much devotion as she did Eren. And as for him, Jean just didn't think it was even possible for him to shake her off. He'd been in love with her before he even knew he was capable of it. And by the time he realized it, it was too late. There was no going back.

He left the mess hall with as much dignity as he could muster, his ears burning as Armin’s admonishing words to Connie drifted back.

Great. Just great.


	2. Deny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How long can Mikasa keep up the pretense?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An unplanned accompaniment to “Stalled.” I wanted to explore Mikasa’s thoughts on the same scene.

It had been awhile.

They had all been so focused on the upcoming war and what it could mean for them and the rest of the people in Paradis. Day in and day out dedicated to training, and strategizing, and learning more and more about Marley.

When she had cut her hair a little shorter than intended, and Sasha had helped her even it out, she’d thought nothing of it. After Eren gave it a momentary glance of surprise once she and Sasha joined the rest of their friends and colleagues at the dinner table, she’d almost all but forgotten it. Instead, she focused on her food, and fiddled with the idea of eating slower than usual to see if she could torment Sasha with the last piece of meat.

She glanced affectionately at the woman in question and took a bite of her bread while the conversation flowed around her. The topic for the dinner was apparently Jean’s promotion as a commanding officer to his own squad. She’d heard reports about it earlier that morning and had made a mental note to congratulate him later. The promotion was not a surprise, and was a long time coming. After all, hadn’t she herself come to respect and rely on him and his plans during crucial times in battle?

When Jean joined them at the table, she was surprised. She thought he would be with his new squad this evening, but it did give her an opportunity to cross another thing off her list that day.

“Congratulations, Jean,” she said warmly as soon as he arrived. “You deserve it!”

She half expected him to brag a little, give a small but friendly dig at Connie and Eren. Something to remind them of their ongoing banter and underlying rivalry. Despite squabbles to the contrary, the former 104th training cadets were a team.

What she didn’t expect was to see the sudden familiar flare of heat that flashed across his eyes when he looked down at her and met her gaze. It had been quite some time since she’d seen it coming from him. Long enough that seeing it, even for that briefest seconds before he’d been able to hide it, came as a surprise to her. 

_Jean likes you, Mikasa._

It was irritating at first. That same look acted almost like a trigger for Jean to pick a fight with Eren. Over the years she saw it less, but when she did see it, she could almost guarantee some sort of altercation between the two. Something she and Armin really didn’t look forward to. She didn’t really understand it.

_Jean likes you, Mikasa._

It had taken her an inordinate amount of time to realize what that look meant. To be fair, she had always thought it related more to his rivalry with Eren than anything else. It had taken a comment from Armin all those years ago before she even began to see it for what it really was.

_“Jean likes you, Mikasa,” Armin had stated, almost embarrassed to be telling her something that he seemed to think was so obvious._

__

_She looked at him in disbelief and exasperation. She’d barely talked to the boy in question. Most of her interactions with him had to do with restraining Eren from getting in trouble because of all the fighting. “Really?!” she had asked, a degree of skepticism entering her voice. “Why?” she demanded, partially curious to his response. He was, after all, one of the smartest people she knew._

__

_“I don’t know why!” he exclaimed, clearly still not comfortable with the topic. “But you asked why he and Eren don’t get along, and that’s the answer.”_

__

_She gave him a conciliatory smile. “That doesn’t even make any sense.”_

__

_He let out a frustrated sigh. “Maybe he thinks you're different ,” he offered, attempting to answer her other question._

__

_She growled. She didn’t want to be different . Different got her family killed._

__

_“Someone told me that he thought you had really pretty hair,” Armin continued._

__

_Something about what he was saying was familiar._

__

You have really beautiful black hair…

_She growled again. That’s such a stupid thing to like someone for. “That’s just stupid,” she told Armin, reiterating her thoughts. “You’re wrong. He just likes picking fights with Eren.” And that was that._

She was adamant in her denial, but deep down, she trusted Armin. So part of her...part of her started to notice.

She would remember when he would become so quiet just watching her while she and Eren talked about the aftermath that was the Female Titan. She would remember his rage when he selflessly took on a Titan that happened to be the same one who’d cracked her ribs. And over the years, she would notice all the looks he sent her way even as he tried so hard not to.

It was so useless and futile and pathetic. It was such a waste of energy that could be spent elsewhere. Who was she that someone would care for her? 

And therein lies what made it so unbelievable in the first place.

What was there worth caring for in her?

And because part of her didn’t want to believe that there was something worth caring for in her, weren’t there times when she deliberately ignored him? When she was made herself appear apathetic to his plight? Weren’t there times when part of her almost dared him to continue feeling the way he did by saying something thoughtless, something very Eren-centric, that she knew he would cringe and take offense to? 

And yet continue it did.

And while it did, she had grown…used to it? 

In fact, hadn’t she come to rely on it? Whenever she made a questionable decision to act or to follow an order, didn’t part of her always...wait on him? Waited to see if he would still looked at her a certain way. Waited to see if he still _liked_ her, as Armin suggested. 

Because, if he continued to look at her a certain way, if he continued to _like_ her, then whatever it is she did or did not do...it couldn’t have been that bad, right? If she killed humans for Captain Levi or for Eren, but Jean still looked at her a certain way, then maybe, there’s something more to her than being a killer.

Because...at the end of the day, Jean was...good. Uncorrupted.

Eren would laugh if he knew.

That she would use Jean Kirstein as her moral compass seemed laughable on the surface. But then again, with the exception of Captain Levi, only Jean would confront her over her actions. Only Jean would question her loyalties. Only Jean had tried to ever make her see another path.

And so when she congratulated him on his promotion, she’d meant it. When she said he’d deserved it, she had absolutely meant it.

And when she’d seen that same look pass over in his eyes, a look she hadn’t seen for quite some time, her heart...wavered.

Because it had been awhile. And she….missed it?

When he sat down almost clumsily on the bench, tripping over his own feet, she started to feel the eyes of everyone on the table focus on him. The heat was gone from his eyes, replaced by an almost look of incredulity as he stared at her. The next thing she knew, he was mumbling something about her hair, and her hand quickly, self-consciously, curled and tugged at the short tresses.

“It’s beautiful,” he breathed softly, as if it were just the two of them in the room, and all his focus was just on...her.

This time, it was her who was at loss for words. She looked at him in askance and saw the softness of his gaze. She could almost make out the earnestness in his tone. 

And when she said “thank you,” to him, she’d meant it from the bottom of her heart. Her delivery was clumsy and awkward. Words were never her strongpoint. She could feel the entire table furtively exchange looks amongst themselves. Were they laughing at him? Were they laughing at her? Or, were they laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all? 

Reading people wasn’t her strongpoint either so when Eren made a move to get up, she used the excuse to follow him. 

Avoidance, apparently, was her strong suit.

But what was abundantly clear to her today was that no matter how hard and how long she fought it, or how well she pretended otherwise, Armin, it would seem, was right all along.

_Jean likes you, Mikasa._

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the multiple Jeankasa authors out there. Y'all have me writing again after years of nothing. You are my muse.


End file.
